Day 23

I come by my anxiety honestly. My mother suffered at least one nervous breakdown – I was ten – and 50 years later my father killed himself with a handgun. Between those events, I rode the anxiety roller coaster, holding on for dear life.

To cope I’ve used several interventions: talk therapy, exercise, SSRIs. Years ago, I also tried pot. I was at a hotel in Amsterdam, filled with worry about traveling. Pot was legal there, I inhaled. And in the space of a breath, I shed anxiety like old skin. Then I came home to America, where prohibition reigned. Still does in most states, including North Carolina.

I’m writing this now because today I'm more anxious than I've ever been, and I’m frustrated to live in a state that prohibits medical cannabis, a drug that relieved my anxiety in Amsterdam. Instead, I take take Prozac. It doesn’t help much, but I'm captive to Big Pharma.

With a stay-at-home order in place, I never leave the house. I'm managing myself with a frenzy of OCD activity: Cleaning and sweeping. Refinishing furniture. Pulling weeds. Organizing closets. Fixing the garden card. Washing my hands. Some of you know exactly what I'm talking about.

What's going to happen when I run out of projects to keep myself busy? I suppose I'll have to confront the shit show we're living in without distraction. The Great Unraveling, brought to us by Donald Fucking Trump. I can't help thinking we'll see more suicides.

I'm not sure what to do, so for now I'm going to the top drawer on the right in my shop to get some fine-grit sandpaper. I might as well put my OCD to work while I can.

These good folks are doing great advocacy for the reform of NC marijuana laws.

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Comments

Productivity binge

Some of you probably think all my projects are a good thing, and to some extent they are. But they create an illusion that the broader world is taking care of itself ... and it's not. The broader world has tilted off its axis and is wobbling out of control.
The US seems to be the main source of the scramble.

What to do? Register to vote. Vote. Canvass (phone). Spread the word about good candidates. Help others keep going when it seems like the whole thing is falling apart.

My wife Jane is deep into phone banking these days and is an awesome caller. People love talking to her.

These days, twice as many people are picking up calls than they were two months ago.

The calls they're doing now are to allies and in search of volunteers. Later they'll shift to candidate calls and get-out-the-vote.

If you're interested in being part of a virtual phone bank, let me know and I'll hook you up.

You're doing one very important thing,

you're writing every day. Putting your thoughts into words is not radically different than organizing a closet or pulling weeds; it helps to bring order out of the chaos.

And it's really good timing, too. A lot of our readers are also looking for light in this darkness, and your thought-provoking commentary provides at least some illumination.

We'll get through this. And all the other stuff. We'll write our way through it.

Thanks man.

My bio used to say “ I write therefore I am.“ That seems about as close as I’ll get to splainin myself.

Glad you’re out there.

Descartes

My version, "I hurt, therefore I am"

just 2 cents

Stop the pills my friend and go back to weed. If a law is unjust, especially when it is making you suffer, ignore it. Weed is a healer. Fuck the fascist plutocracy!